I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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