I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
