this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
