How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
