i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
