Who wears a wallet chain?!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
