There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It's Friday. Sex?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I believe in your delicious
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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