all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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