OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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