I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
