apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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