I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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