And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
