if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
