You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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