He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
