but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
