I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
