Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
