In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
