i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
God I need to hump something, right now.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
