if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
