Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
