Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
