Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
