Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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