Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
