Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
