how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
