final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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