I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
