my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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