I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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