the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
