My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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