My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
