I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
