My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
