maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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