I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
