On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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