I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
