At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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