Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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