I seem to have left my pride at pride
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
