I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
