why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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