Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
