So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Every concussion has its silver lining
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
