Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
