I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
