All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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