I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
