Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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