I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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