Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
