So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
