Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
