don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
