Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
