someone owes me an orgasm
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
