Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize