Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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