He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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