I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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