Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
