My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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