that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
