i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
