we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
