All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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