dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
