i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Sext me about skeletons
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize