I cannot find my penis.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just want nice things and good sex
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
