I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize