Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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