Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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