Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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