Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
