almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
