Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
