I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
This baby is an asshole
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
