i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
